


Alone.

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Loneliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-26
Updated: 2015-08-26
Packaged: 2018-04-17 08:18:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4659402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While Dave is away, Dirk basks  in what it feels like to be alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alone.

Music doesn't have a feedback component. You've leaned this over many years of being left alone for god knows how many hours in this silent house. However you never stopped playing it when you were alone, you needed something that wasn't silence. Even now music plays while you sit here, knees pulled into your chest. The water against your legs had been too warm when you had started the bath. Now it was just hot, burning pleasantly against the milky white flesh, littered with scars.

 

Loneliness was something that you had happened to become accustomed too, when your guardian was gone all the time. It was mind numbingly painful to not be able to hear his voice when you happened to need it the most. When you wanted to break down and scream and punch things. It was all you knew, it was something you couldn't help. The violent outbursts and the constant want to afflict harm upon yourself. it wasn't good. it wasn't something you were proud of, but neither was the nagging sadness and anxiety you had inside. 

 

You didn't hate him for what he did. He didn't do anything. However maybe that was what he did to cause this sadness and anxiety to boil into something more, a bitter taste that mingled so nicely with the loneliness you had, it made you hate yourself because you could never hate him. You couldn't handle the look of sadness that would cross his face if you told him he was the reason you felt these things. 

 

You had friends that made the absence less bad. They were older than you but it didn't matter, they didn't really seem to care about your age. They cared about you. It made the numbness you felt lessen intensely when you were with them. It was okay to laugh when you were around them. You were tired of being careful. You say too much sometimes now, making you wish that you had never spoke. 

 

Interrupted in your thoughts as the music stopped you blinked. Your phone hadn't died had it? No. You had a message. "I love you." You blinked and quickly responded with an "I love you too." Before you played your music again, Roxy always seemed to know when you tended to think too hard over things. She brought you back to a form of reality.

 

Dunking your head underwater you opened your eyes, staring at the broken glass affect the water made. It looked as broken and torn as you tended to feel on alone nights like these. You watched the bubbles of your breath float to the top, popping when the surfaced. You wondered what it felt like. To be void of everything and not just numb. You wanted to be like that. To have never experienced emotion in the first place so everything had less of a knife point edge when it happened, but that would never suffice. It was nothing but a lonesome dream that would never come true. You were human. You had to be.

 

There was a moments hesitation as you came up, breathing in deeply before wiping water out of your eyes, sitting in the water. You couldn't find it in you to stand up, it's not like anyone was waiting for you. You felt numb again. What time was it even? Probably around two in the morning by now. You had gotten in at midnight. 

 

You think another thirty minutes passed, but you honestly couldn't have told another person if it had, they would have had to tell you. Your phone dinged, music stopping. "You alright there Strider?" You stared at the text for a moment. Were you? No. But you would be. So that was your answer, simple. "I will be. Don't worry about it." another ding. "If you say so..." You left it at that. You get the feeling he believed you, but still wanted to help so that you were okay now instead of later. He cared and you appreciated that deeply. 

 

You had stood up and gotten dressed just as the door opened. You checked the time sighing to yourself. Three thirty. You walked out of the bathroom just in time for you brother to walk by. He smiled at you and pulled you into a tight hug. "Hey Kiddo, how was your night?" What were you supposed to say? You wrapped your arms back around him, a soft sigh escaping your lips.

 

"Wasn't too lonely without me was it?" 

 

"No." 

  
_God if only he knew._


End file.
